I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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