I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
