What a fucking waste of an outfit
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
