im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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