Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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