you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
smell my finger.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
