i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
