he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
