I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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