thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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