The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
