i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
