his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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