My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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