i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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