she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
