I murdered the dance floor call the cops
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
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