I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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