Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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