Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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