ya dads aren't the best wingmen
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
