How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
