is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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