so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Randomize
