I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
