My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
