So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
