The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
