im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
