btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
