If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
