i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
