bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
