i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
