Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
