Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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