haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
