i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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