before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
