wrigley field is MILF paradise
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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