I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
its not stalking. its research.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
