i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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