my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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