Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
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