yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
