I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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