The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
