i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
