And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
