i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He is an equal opportunity slut.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
