TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
