called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
