Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
