summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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