And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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